spin spin sugar

summer of veggie burgers

2005-06-17T22:27:00.000-04:00

i only have the US History regents left to take before i'm finally done with Junior year. lots of things on my mind. having problems with the family. benny is leaving in a week and a half. time goes by too fast. summer is going to be so short. i plan on keeping busy to prevent me from feeling alone.

List of things to do:
-Take Yoga
-Take driver's ed
-visit schools
-read books
-exercise
-play with duffy
-practice flute
-bake/cook
-Work (Kumon/tutor)

if i do that stuff until i leave for australia i will be okay, hopefully.

Prom Madness

2005-06-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

I just got back from Afterprom on Fire Island with Benny. Thursday night was South's senior prom. it was so much fun, we had the best time! preprom was at Jake's house where all the parents attacked us with cameras. all the girl's had great dresses. the bus we had was hubungous - it was party bus, a club on wheels with disco lights, drinks, tv, stereo system, and poles on top. the group i was with was benny's friends from Theater South. they were all so friendly and lots of fun. prom itself was great too. benny and i danced and joked around and the night was really beautiful. everyone changed after prom was over to spend the night in the city driving around.

sooo much shit happened in the bus. i stayed sober the entire night as everyone got drunk. i got up and started gogo dancing and then all the other girls joined in and by the end of the night all the girls have had made out with each other haha. benny got sick at the end but we all got home at about 4am. benny stayed over and i took care of him. then at 230 we left for Patchogue to get on the ferry to fire island.

we had great weather the entire time. everyone bonded and got along really well. we played games, went to the beach - got burned!, ate lots of food...
benny and i slept outside under the stars to the sound of the ocean and woke up with the warm sun on our face looking out to the beach. ahhhh i can't explain how great of a time it was. it was truly perfect.

everyone is home now, tired. benny's sick. end of school....siigggh =)

wildest dreams

2005-06-08T00:38:00.000-04:00

i completely forgot that i had this blog. i'd better start blogging:

today i went to school. i hardly have any classes at all: no more math class or bio class, in english we're watching a movie till the end of the year, ap comp-sci we're playing Scrabble or programming robots, and gym we're taking walks to Bagel Hut. The weather is really warm nowadays. summer is here already! after english i don't have bio anymore so i went to Village to get benny and we came back home, lit some incense and then yeah...and now my throat hurts from being loud with Benny. at 330 i went to work until 7 then went to tutor the Rahimi's. they live close by and they're my first tutees. i'm only being payed 10$ an hour but i work with them for 3hrs 3times a week and it's a good new experience.

i've been thinking about my position with social life lately. i haven't talked to anyone or hung out with anyone except benny. i'm not sure how i'm going to be next year. my mind often reverts to negative thinking like going back to ana and isolating myself again or just ending everything with liquor and a bottle of pills. sometimes i imagine myself taking a knife and cutting down my wrist. i wonder where it all comes from..i scare myself when i come back to reality. i don't want to go back into all that madness.i think i have to live everything out and see how it goes. next year just seems so empty compared to how things are right now.

i'm reading the Power of Now and i find a lot of truth in it. i plan to acheive enlightenment. This book will help me with next year, i'm going to try hard to stick to it. Thinking about the future, i still can't help but see anything better than how things are now. i've truly never been happier. I don’t know how to judge the situation with changes that are going to happen. Some say that I shouldn’t judge, that I should just accept. I think that you’d have to judge whether or not to accept things though because sometimes the change is unnecessary and can be prevented and things could be better without it.

I just realized that what I just wrote is closed-minded and I’m trying to hold on to this high. But it’s just a high. It won’t last. I can’t let go.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.”
People come and go. It is life. Change and new things help you grow. I wish I could really accept that.

it's a fine day

2005-05-06T00:11:00.000-04:00

things are better. i feel better.
i've found a balance, for now.